I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
