i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
