I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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