New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
