Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Duck Duck Cougar?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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