I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
