hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
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I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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