I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
