official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
