so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
