we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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