well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
