I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
