Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
