he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
