it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
