So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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