You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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