The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
