My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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