It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
