You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
