I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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