I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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