I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
