btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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