Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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