if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
