Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Michael Bay diarrhea
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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