She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So squirting runs in the family.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
