Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
