Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
