Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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