Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
White coat. Heels.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
