She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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