Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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