I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So vagazzling was a success
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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