There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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