You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
