I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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