I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
