I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
