so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
