I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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