just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
