dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
