My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
