jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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