ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
