my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
