best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My ass is underappreciated
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
