I cockslap morals
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
