So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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