Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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