when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
