wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
